The Guilt and Grace of Living Through Cancer Treatment: My Journey So Far with some positive mindset

This blog post is long overdue, and for that, I apologize. I had greatly underestimated how my energy levels would plummet after my last treatment session. Now, just three days shy of my next appointment, I'm looking back at the last 21 days and wondering where the time has gone. While I managed to get some sleep, attend to my full-time job, and even bake some banana muffins for my daughter, I can't help but feel a gnawing sense of guilt.

---

The Guilt of "Not Doing Enough"

What makes me feel guilty? The regret of not capitalizing on the days when I didn't feel nauseated to do something incredibly fun with my daughter. Sure, we managed a couple of ice-cream outings and walks, although they were out of my favorite twist soft serve. But those instances seem too few and far between, and yet again, I misjudged my own stamina. Similarly, I find myself grappling with guilt for not putting in as many hours at work as I believe I "should" have. There's also guilt over not using this time to learn new skills online, something I've always wanted to do. Then there's the laundry. The fact that my husband had to step in yet again to manage this household chore added another layer to my growing list of guilt.

New ME....For Now.

Mental Self-Care During Physical Struggles

I'm learning to be gentle with myself, to remind my inner critic that this isn't just a flu but a significant medical journey that I am on. But accepting that is hard. I understand that many women can relate to this overwhelming feeling of 'mom and wife guilt.' In my current weakened state, both physically and emotionally, not being able to complete tasks feels like a personal failure, and that weighs heavily on me. To clarify, this guilt is self-imposed. My family has been incredibly supportive, reassuring me that everything is alright. But as women and as mothers, we seem hardwired to feel guilty. So how do I deal with these self-deprecating thoughts? Sometimes, I resort to sleep as an escape mechanism, although even that proves challenging these days. Other times, I allow myself to feel the emotions, to cry, and to lean on my loved ones for support. Prayer and faith have also been my companions on this journey, reassuring me that this is but a temporary phase.

Updates on the Side Effects

In my last blog post, I remember feeling relatively fine the day after my treatment. Unfortunately, that feeling was short-lived. I experienced nausea and diarrhea (I apologize for the TMI, but I've committed to being fully transparent). Moreover, I also had to deal with a rare but excruciating side effect: severe muscle and joint pain. While I generally consider myself resilient in the face of discomfort, this was a whole new level of agony, akin to knives jabbing into my joints and muscles feeling as if they were ripped apart. I've since increased my magnesium intake, and I'm hopeful that some new injections planned around my next treatment will help alleviate this.

Adjusting Expectations

Initially, I thought that once I got through the first treatment, I would feel better simply because I'd know what to expect. But the unpredictable nature of this journey has taught me otherwise. Now, I find myself saying, "I just need to get through this second treatment, and then I'll feel better about it." It's curious how the mind works to adapt and survive. Navigating this path has been emotionally and physically draining, but I'm learning to give myself grace. This is a season in my life, not my entire life, and I'm slowly learning to trust the process and find hope in the journey ahead.

The Emotional Toll of Physical Changes

One of the most emotionally challenging aspects of this experience has been witnessing the changes to my body. My hair has started to thin dramatically, and I anticipate needing to shave it off completely by the end of the week following my next treatment. Although I thought I was prepared for this, the reality has been far more emotional than I expected. I keep reminding myself, "It's just hair," but that's easier said than felt. Since the start of this journey in July, I've lost many physical attributes that defined my femininity and attractiveness, at least in my own eyes. From losing my breasts to the thinning of my hair, these changes have left me emotionally shattered. I avoid mirrors, finding it difficult to reconcile with the image staring back at me—baggy eyes, compromised skin, and a figure less curvy than my 9-year-old daughter's. But I find solace in the fact that my personality remains intact. I still find humor in life, even if at inappropriate times, because why change a good thing, right?

Medical Updates and Forward Plans

This Wednesday, I'll be getting a chemo port implanted in my chest, which will remain there until my treatment is completed. While it's not something I'm looking forward to, it does present a Halloween costume idea—I could easily pass for a cyborg! In my next post, I'll update you on how the procedure goes. As for my upcoming treatment on Thursday, it will be the second of a dozen. I'm prepping myself by hydrating well and eating light, easily digestible foods, given that my stomach has been less tolerant lately. Each day brings me closer to the end of this challenging chapter and a return to the life I once knew.

Emotional and Mental Readjustments

Amidst all this, I find myself at a peculiar crossroads emotionally. I'm scared of changing too much but equally terrified of not changing at all. And I'm grappling with learning to accept help, a topic deserving of its own blog post.

Closing Thoughts

So, this is where I'm at right now: undergoing significant physical changes while striving to remain emotionally resilient and open to receiving support. If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to leave a comment. Your love and support, evident through your kind words and well wishes, have filled me with a strength I didn't know I needed. Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Your love means more than words can express.

With all my gratitude,

Heather

Mindset, Guilt and Positive thinking through Cancer